I have the perfect woman for Oakland Raiders’ head coach Tom Cable and her name is Elizabeth Lambert. I know the first thing you’re thinking is, “Hey, Tom Cable works in Oakland for the Raiders and she attending college at New Mexico and you know those long distance relationships never work”. I’ll concede that point, but everything else is a perfect match.

Tom Cable has been in the news lately for things other than his team’s 2 – 6 shitty record. His former defensive assistant Randy Hanson accused Cable of punching him and breaking his jaw during a training-camp incident. At then end of the day, the Napa County District Attorney’s Office opted against charging Cable, but then EPSN’s OTL did a story alleging Cable’s abuse of women in his past relationships. This is why I think Elizabeth Lambert would be perfect for Cable.

If you didn’t catch Lambert on ESPN or somewhere else, this chick went crazy during a soccer match vs BYU. Check out the below video. She makes Florida Gator’s Brandon Spikes look soft.

It seems Tom has some anger issues, but I bet if his woman was Lambert he’d keep himself in check. If Tom raised his voice, she’d just bitch slap him. If Tom ever raised a hand at her, she’d soccer punt his sack and then head butt him. Fortunately, Tom keeps his head shaved, so she wouldn’t be able to yank his pony tail, but she comes off kind of extreme and she might just have some Lorena Bobbit in her… so Tom sleep on your stomach, if you know what I mean.